Destination: Happy

What is it called when you feel like you are having a mid-life crisis at 25 years old? Let's hope it's a tad early for the middle of my life.

Much of my focus lately has been on happiness; true, genuine, pure happiness. Any yogi can tell you that to achieve this, it has to come solely from you. In an attempt to raise our daughters with kind hearts and open minds, happiness is something I express daily as an extreme importance in life - particularly to our nearly 5 year old, who has learned to compare herself to others; whether it's about who got the bigger piece of cake or whose hair is more beautiful, I strive to teach her that when you compare, no one wins. She will never feel good realizing that someone has something she doesn't, and it shouldn't make her feel good to have more-of-this or better-that than someone else. Comparing will never bring you happiness.

The more I teach my girls about the power they have to create their own joy, the more I have felt the need to practice what I preach. You think it would be an easy journey to seek pure happiness - how simple does it sound to just be happy? Unfortunately, it's not that easy. At least for it to come naturally. You'd think that because I am happily married with two beautiful healthy children, that right there, that's all you'd need. But happiness goes so much more beyond all that. I am a wife to my husband. I am a mother to my daughters. But who am I when I am just, well, me? When I am no one to someone else, not playing a role, who am I?

Months of reflection has opened my eyes to realizations I may have previously been blind to, but also given me answers to questions I had always had. It's a strange thing to say, but I feel like I have just met myself for who I am, but also who I want to be. And so my journey begins.

Step one: leaving the past in the past. I've been able to put some reason behind some choices I had previously made, and that it itself was quite cleansing. But now I have the power to learn from it, and leave it be. I lied a lot, and carried around some heavy guilt for it. This was my first big step towards self healing. I couldn't move forward in happiness with the weight of the past bearing down so heavily, and only I had the power to change it. I ran - literally - a lot. It was my therapy. I ran out all my guilty feelings, I took responsibility, I dug deep into my past to put some sense into all the "why's", and then most important - I forgave myself. I was able to take one step closer to happiness with that forgiveness, and move on in life knowing I would be loyal, trustworthy, and honest. This worked because I didn't need anyone's approval. No one had to tell me it was okay, no one had to forgive me. I know I will be successful in my honesty because I am simply doing it for me.

Feeling better already.

Future steps are going to take a lot more time - and work. What's difficult about the things I wish to change is feeling that they are learned behaviors; things I grew up experiencing and therefore instinctively act upon. Realizing that I do not like these things about myself is a step in the right direction, but it's not the solution. Getting myself to basically go against my instincts and act in a completely different manor is another story.

Step one may be complete, but there are so many other aspects to me that I am working on. I may be happy with my marriage, with motherhood, and with my career, and for that I am extremely grateful. But even with all that happiness, there can still be more. I am not entirely happy - and I'm okay with that. Life is about the journey after all, and if the destination is happiness, I look forward to the journey ahead, and the person I am on my way to becoming.

And that is why I have created this blog. Writing and sharing have been passions during this time in my life - my quarter life crisis shall we call it? I'm an open book for those who are willing to listen.

Step two is underway.