Ah, running. I can truly use this tool for absolutely anything.
I'm sure the 6 year old Lauren who trotted around Elm Park in her first little 1/2 mile "race" had no idea of the impact that running would have in her life.
I used it to justify eating when I was recovering from my mild eating disorders. I then used it to lose baby weight after having children. And now, I use it as therapy - for anything and everything.
Even when running as part of a team, no one can make you run a certain pace - that part is entirely in your own control, and if you perform well, the whole team benefits. How perfect is it that the same cause and effect of this scenario fits right along side true happiness? ;)
As I stated in my previous post, happiness is a job that relies entirely on you. If your husband is in a bad mood or the kids have been acting out, that should not determine your happiness. Of course, those things don't make you feel fantastic, but you do have the power to remove yourself from those situations.
May I introduce you to my friend: running.
I used to let one bad mood in our family overwhelm me. If it was my husband, I would dwell on all the things that we could be doing had be been happier, and if it was the kids, I would allow it to absolutely break me down: hands up, I surrender. Other relatives who bring the drama? I would become encased in it. Bottom line: I didn't feel good about feeling bad. How could other people's emotions have such a strong effect on my emotions? It didn't seem fair. So, in an attempt to work through it, the running shoes were laced up and I headed out the door.
My mind must go a million different directions when I run. I think about all that is bothering me. I ask questions about why they bother me, and also what I can do to fix them. I do ask if it's just me, but also allow myself to feel upset. Some of the time I realize I may have slept poorly, or that its that time again, which may be swaying my emotions out of orbit. Other times I zone in on things that do truly bother me and either work through them myself, or return home with a clear mind and calm manner to address them. Sometimes I dig deep into my past, and run out things that need forgiveness, and have also found that doing this can give meaning to certain emotions or reactions I have today. I run to forgive and forget. As a mom, I run off the temper tantrums - from both my girls and me. I run for my alone time, since it may be the only time I get to myself all day. But I think the most important aspect to running is how I end each one: with positive thoughts, appreciation, and a little self love.
I work through the muck, stomping it out with each pounding stride, and when I start to feel better, I switch my mindset. I focus on the smell of summer, the love of where I live when I run by the ocean, the family I have waiting for me back at home (because even after the worst of days, there is nothing like the sound of "MOMMY'S HOME!!!") - because of all this, I believe running makes me a better person. When I am more calm with those around me, their reactions tend to follow suit. And when they don't, I have a clear conscious knowing that I have done my part. I have taken a stride towards making calmness habitual. I feel good about that, and only I am in control of it all. It may be a small piece of the happiness pie, but it's delicious.
Running has played a huge role thus far in my journey for pure happiness. I am hoping to one day just naturally respond with clear-minded reactions, have constant gratitude for all I have, and above all - love myself entirely. But as I work to get closer and closer to that day, there's nothing a good run won't fix in the meantime ;)
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Being Okay With Me
A lot I have realized on my happiness journey thus far is that I truly need to love who I am. It's also allowed me to reflect on years and years of trying to be someone I'm not, or wishing I was different.
Take high school for example. I dressed how my peers dressed. I hung out with who would get me popularity votes. I spent hours changing my hair daily. I cared beyond measure what others thought of me. All totally unhealthy things that ultimately never lead to happiness. I guess that's what growing and maturing are all about; realizing that none of that defines who you are.
Changes I've made along the way definitely started with "friends". I held onto friendships longer than I should have, only to come to the realization that if they want to be in your life, they will be. Those people from high school who comment on a Facebook status about how they miss you and that you should tooootally meet up soon...not so much. So, I did what I like to call a friend-douching, where I let go of the attachment I may have had with them, and let life move on. If they choose to be in it at some point, wonderful. If not, or if you bring nothing positive or joyful to my life, you are not needed. This has allowed me to focus more on my friends who do matter and do make an effort, and I'm able to have close and fabulous friendships with them that are filled with positivity. No need for popularity votes here.
Another change I've had to make is to let go of comparison. This is a tough one for me, because there is always someone to compare yourself to, whether it be for better or worse. I used to admire the moms who always had their hair and makeup applied flawlessly. I'd feel jealous of all the CrossFit girls who were stronger and more muscular than me. I'd envy the home owners, and the vacationers, and any other luxury someone else may have that right now, I don't. Reality is, none of that matters when you are truly okay with the person you are. It's taking some time, but I am getting there. Admitting what I am okay with has been a cleansing, powerful start. I am okay with the fact that I live in my exercise clothes. I am okay that I may never be alongside my husband in CrossFit WODs. I love the apartment we are in, and am okay with our money focus being on a home instead of a vacation.
I need to be okay with me: accepting of the person I am, the body I own, the choices I make, the reactions I have, the love I give...everything about me. The beauty of this journey I'm on to seek happiness is that if I don't like something, I can train myself to change it. In the end, you are all you really have. Relationships come and go, children grow up, family members pass, and you are simply left with you. If you let your happiness be in the hands of others, you will never truly find it. If you create it within yourself, no one can interfere.
Here's to finally closing a chapter on the Lauren I had forced myself to be for others, and starting a new one: simply on the growing person I am today, and that's for no one else but me.
Take high school for example. I dressed how my peers dressed. I hung out with who would get me popularity votes. I spent hours changing my hair daily. I cared beyond measure what others thought of me. All totally unhealthy things that ultimately never lead to happiness. I guess that's what growing and maturing are all about; realizing that none of that defines who you are.
Changes I've made along the way definitely started with "friends". I held onto friendships longer than I should have, only to come to the realization that if they want to be in your life, they will be. Those people from high school who comment on a Facebook status about how they miss you and that you should tooootally meet up soon...not so much. So, I did what I like to call a friend-douching, where I let go of the attachment I may have had with them, and let life move on. If they choose to be in it at some point, wonderful. If not, or if you bring nothing positive or joyful to my life, you are not needed. This has allowed me to focus more on my friends who do matter and do make an effort, and I'm able to have close and fabulous friendships with them that are filled with positivity. No need for popularity votes here.
Another change I've had to make is to let go of comparison. This is a tough one for me, because there is always someone to compare yourself to, whether it be for better or worse. I used to admire the moms who always had their hair and makeup applied flawlessly. I'd feel jealous of all the CrossFit girls who were stronger and more muscular than me. I'd envy the home owners, and the vacationers, and any other luxury someone else may have that right now, I don't. Reality is, none of that matters when you are truly okay with the person you are. It's taking some time, but I am getting there. Admitting what I am okay with has been a cleansing, powerful start. I am okay with the fact that I live in my exercise clothes. I am okay that I may never be alongside my husband in CrossFit WODs. I love the apartment we are in, and am okay with our money focus being on a home instead of a vacation.
I need to be okay with me: accepting of the person I am, the body I own, the choices I make, the reactions I have, the love I give...everything about me. The beauty of this journey I'm on to seek happiness is that if I don't like something, I can train myself to change it. In the end, you are all you really have. Relationships come and go, children grow up, family members pass, and you are simply left with you. If you let your happiness be in the hands of others, you will never truly find it. If you create it within yourself, no one can interfere.
Here's to finally closing a chapter on the Lauren I had forced myself to be for others, and starting a new one: simply on the growing person I am today, and that's for no one else but me.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Destination: Happy
What is it called when you feel like you are having a mid-life crisis at 25 years old? Let's hope it's a tad early for the middle of my life.
Much of my focus lately has been on happiness; true, genuine, pure happiness. Any yogi can tell you that to achieve this, it has to come solely from you. In an attempt to raise our daughters with kind hearts and open minds, happiness is something I express daily as an extreme importance in life - particularly to our nearly 5 year old, who has learned to compare herself to others; whether it's about who got the bigger piece of cake or whose hair is more beautiful, I strive to teach her that when you compare, no one wins. She will never feel good realizing that someone has something she doesn't, and it shouldn't make her feel good to have more-of-this or better-that than someone else. Comparing will never bring you happiness.
The more I teach my girls about the power they have to create their own joy, the more I have felt the need to practice what I preach. You think it would be an easy journey to seek pure happiness - how simple does it sound to just be happy? Unfortunately, it's not that easy. At least for it to come naturally. You'd think that because I am happily married with two beautiful healthy children, that right there, that's all you'd need. But happiness goes so much more beyond all that. I am a wife to my husband. I am a mother to my daughters. But who am I when I am just, well, me? When I am no one to someone else, not playing a role, who am I?
Months of reflection has opened my eyes to realizations I may have previously been blind to, but also given me answers to questions I had always had. It's a strange thing to say, but I feel like I have just met myself for who I am, but also who I want to be. And so my journey begins.
Step one: leaving the past in the past. I've been able to put some reason behind some choices I had previously made, and that it itself was quite cleansing. But now I have the power to learn from it, and leave it be. I lied a lot, and carried around some heavy guilt for it. This was my first big step towards self healing. I couldn't move forward in happiness with the weight of the past bearing down so heavily, and only I had the power to change it. I ran - literally - a lot. It was my therapy. I ran out all my guilty feelings, I took responsibility, I dug deep into my past to put some sense into all the "why's", and then most important - I forgave myself. I was able to take one step closer to happiness with that forgiveness, and move on in life knowing I would be loyal, trustworthy, and honest. This worked because I didn't need anyone's approval. No one had to tell me it was okay, no one had to forgive me. I know I will be successful in my honesty because I am simply doing it for me.
Feeling better already.
Future steps are going to take a lot more time - and work. What's difficult about the things I wish to change is feeling that they are learned behaviors; things I grew up experiencing and therefore instinctively act upon. Realizing that I do not like these things about myself is a step in the right direction, but it's not the solution. Getting myself to basically go against my instincts and act in a completely different manor is another story.
Step one may be complete, but there are so many other aspects to me that I am working on. I may be happy with my marriage, with motherhood, and with my career, and for that I am extremely grateful. But even with all that happiness, there can still be more. I am not entirely happy - and I'm okay with that. Life is about the journey after all, and if the destination is happiness, I look forward to the journey ahead, and the person I am on my way to becoming.
And that is why I have created this blog. Writing and sharing have been passions during this time in my life - my quarter life crisis shall we call it? I'm an open book for those who are willing to listen.
Step two is underway.
Much of my focus lately has been on happiness; true, genuine, pure happiness. Any yogi can tell you that to achieve this, it has to come solely from you. In an attempt to raise our daughters with kind hearts and open minds, happiness is something I express daily as an extreme importance in life - particularly to our nearly 5 year old, who has learned to compare herself to others; whether it's about who got the bigger piece of cake or whose hair is more beautiful, I strive to teach her that when you compare, no one wins. She will never feel good realizing that someone has something she doesn't, and it shouldn't make her feel good to have more-of-this or better-that than someone else. Comparing will never bring you happiness.
The more I teach my girls about the power they have to create their own joy, the more I have felt the need to practice what I preach. You think it would be an easy journey to seek pure happiness - how simple does it sound to just be happy? Unfortunately, it's not that easy. At least for it to come naturally. You'd think that because I am happily married with two beautiful healthy children, that right there, that's all you'd need. But happiness goes so much more beyond all that. I am a wife to my husband. I am a mother to my daughters. But who am I when I am just, well, me? When I am no one to someone else, not playing a role, who am I?
Months of reflection has opened my eyes to realizations I may have previously been blind to, but also given me answers to questions I had always had. It's a strange thing to say, but I feel like I have just met myself for who I am, but also who I want to be. And so my journey begins.
Step one: leaving the past in the past. I've been able to put some reason behind some choices I had previously made, and that it itself was quite cleansing. But now I have the power to learn from it, and leave it be. I lied a lot, and carried around some heavy guilt for it. This was my first big step towards self healing. I couldn't move forward in happiness with the weight of the past bearing down so heavily, and only I had the power to change it. I ran - literally - a lot. It was my therapy. I ran out all my guilty feelings, I took responsibility, I dug deep into my past to put some sense into all the "why's", and then most important - I forgave myself. I was able to take one step closer to happiness with that forgiveness, and move on in life knowing I would be loyal, trustworthy, and honest. This worked because I didn't need anyone's approval. No one had to tell me it was okay, no one had to forgive me. I know I will be successful in my honesty because I am simply doing it for me.
Feeling better already.
Future steps are going to take a lot more time - and work. What's difficult about the things I wish to change is feeling that they are learned behaviors; things I grew up experiencing and therefore instinctively act upon. Realizing that I do not like these things about myself is a step in the right direction, but it's not the solution. Getting myself to basically go against my instincts and act in a completely different manor is another story.
Step one may be complete, but there are so many other aspects to me that I am working on. I may be happy with my marriage, with motherhood, and with my career, and for that I am extremely grateful. But even with all that happiness, there can still be more. I am not entirely happy - and I'm okay with that. Life is about the journey after all, and if the destination is happiness, I look forward to the journey ahead, and the person I am on my way to becoming.
And that is why I have created this blog. Writing and sharing have been passions during this time in my life - my quarter life crisis shall we call it? I'm an open book for those who are willing to listen.
Step two is underway.
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