A lot I have realized on my happiness journey thus far is that I truly need to love who I am. It's also allowed me to reflect on years and years of trying to be someone I'm not, or wishing I was different.
Take high school for example. I dressed how my peers dressed. I hung out with who would get me popularity votes. I spent hours changing my hair daily. I cared beyond measure what others thought of me. All totally unhealthy things that ultimately never lead to happiness. I guess that's what growing and maturing are all about; realizing that none of that defines who you are.
Changes I've made along the way definitely started with "friends". I held onto friendships longer than I should have, only to come to the realization that if they want to be in your life, they will be. Those people from high school who comment on a Facebook status about how they miss you and that you should tooootally meet up soon...not so much. So, I did what I like to call a friend-douching, where I let go of the attachment I may have had with them, and let life move on. If they choose to be in it at some point, wonderful. If not, or if you bring nothing positive or joyful to my life, you are not needed. This has allowed me to focus more on my friends who do matter and do make an effort, and I'm able to have close and fabulous friendships with them that are filled with positivity. No need for popularity votes here.
Another change I've had to make is to let go of comparison. This is a tough one for me, because there is always someone to compare yourself to, whether it be for better or worse. I used to admire the moms who always had their hair and makeup applied flawlessly. I'd feel jealous of all the CrossFit girls who were stronger and more muscular than me. I'd envy the home owners, and the vacationers, and any other luxury someone else may have that right now, I don't. Reality is, none of that matters when you are truly okay with the person you are. It's taking some time, but I am getting there. Admitting what I am okay with has been a cleansing, powerful start. I am okay with the fact that I live in my exercise clothes. I am okay that I may never be alongside my husband in CrossFit WODs. I love the apartment we are in, and am okay with our money focus being on a home instead of a vacation.
I need to be okay with me: accepting of the person I am, the body I own, the choices I make, the reactions I have, the love I give...everything about me. The beauty of this journey I'm on to seek happiness is that if I don't like something, I can train myself to change it. In the end, you are all you really have. Relationships come and go, children grow up, family members pass, and you are simply left with you. If you let your happiness be in the hands of others, you will never truly find it. If you create it within yourself, no one can interfere.
Here's to finally closing a chapter on the Lauren I had forced myself to be for others, and starting a new one: simply on the growing person I am today, and that's for no one else but me.
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