I'm about halfway though the book The Untethered Soul, and I am realizing just how difficult this journey to true happiness really is. This book is a hard truth about who you really are, and makes you aware of every thought, emotion, and movement you experience throughout your entire day. To be honest, it's making me feel a little crazy. But I'm dedicated to the life I am living and also the life I wish to live, and so I take on this challenge.
To give you an idea of the craziness, one of the first exercises the book suggests is to imagine that the voice inside your head is an actual person in the room with you. This visual, along with the constant chatter of your mind, quickly makes you realize that this is not someone you would be friends with. Or even want to spend 5 minutes with. "I should do the dishes. I really don't want to. Maybe my husband will do them - HA - yeah right. Did I lock the door when I came inside? Shit, don't think I did. Did I? Great, now a burglar is going to come in and murder me. I'll go lock the door. Then I'll do the damn dishes" - it never shuts up. It goes from one thought to the next, chatting along without a single pause. If this was a real life person, I would punch them.
Scary thing is, this "friend" is the one who controls my every move throughout the day.
The idea of this exercise is not to attempt to stop the thoughts, but to simply be aware of them. Be conscious of all the things going on in your mind. Notice how many thoughts come and go in a few seconds time. The choice you have is to go with those thoughts, or to let them pass through.
Example: One night after watching a gushy romantic movie, I thought to myself "hmm, Eric never brings me flowers". I could have left it at that, because quite frankly I don't give a shit whether or not he brings me flowers. But instead, because the over-the-top husband in the movie surprised his wife with flowers, I was mad. I hitched a ride on this one little thought and let it spiral out of control. "I work so hard as a mom all day and he can't, not even once, bring me some damn flowers!? Does he even think of me!? What a selfish man." What adds fuel to the fire is expectation. "He's late from the gym, again. OH! Maybe he's late because he's surprising me with flowers! Yay!" Only for my husband to walk in the door from a long day at work and hefty gym session, empty handed. I had no right to be, but I was pissed. All because I let that one little blip about flowers that came to mind consume my every thought, causing my emotions to get involved.
Ever heard that the mind is a dangerous place? Abso-fucking-lutely.
And not "hitching a ride" with these thoughts takes extreme willpower. You have to acknowledge that they are there, and let them pass through. Sounds simple, but when that heart rate creeps up and the thought can't seem to find it's way out, you've got a problem. It's something, according to this book, that will take years of centering and awareness to become natural to the mind. I've got all the time in the world to create this inner peace, so bring it on, willpower.
The latest exercise noted is to open your heart. Not only to love, but to the bad stuff too; vulnerability, hurt, disappointment. We all tend to guard our hearts to prevent us from getting hurt, but it really doesn't do us any good. It creates walls, and a dark place to store painful memories. To truly open your heart is to let all the bad shit come bubbling up - and deal with it. Let it be painful, let it come out, because this is the only true way to release your body of it. You have to really (and I mean really) deal with every single deep dark thought, emotion or memory that you have buried. Stop justifying them - admit to them. Be brutally honest with yourself. Do what you need to so that these thoughts can stop creeping into your mind. Bring them up, deal with them, and release them. And once you do - don't re-close your heart. Don't let anything else get stuck inside, let everything move like the breath: in and out.
Another example used in the book has to do with the way you might feel about a person when things are going your way, and then how those feelings change when arguments or disagreements come into play. An open heart allows you to truly love a person at their best AND at their worst. When these conflicts come up, it is suggested to release your shoulders and soften the area around your heart. Tell yourself that you will not close, that you will remain open and that this one moment does not defy the depths of your feelings. To stay open is to truly conquer the problem at hand, instead of causing one more wall in your heart and even more buried feelings.
I've been doing this a lot. If I feel that overwhelming feeling creeping into my spine, I physically lower my shoulders, and imagine the area around my heart softening. I tell myself that no matter how loud my children scream, I don't love them any less. I choose to keep my heart open, and refuse frustration. I know that no matter what is going on around me, it is only me who can control what is going on inside. I feel my best when I am at peace, when I am calm, and when I don't let the things on the outside affect what I'm feeling on the inside. It doesn't always come this easy, but I've learned that in the few moments it has, it is worth working on endlessly until I reach that desired point of it being a natural state for my mind. It feels simply amazing.
Showing myself the control I can have inside is empowering. It makes me strive to continue to work a it as I grow into deeper self love. I cannot wait to meet the person I ultimately become after these practices, but for now I am enjoying the journey, loving the learning, and most importantly, loving how I feel.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Self-Love: Stretching
Stretching, of all the simple things, has been a key tool when used to control things in my daily life. I never thought something so obvious, so easy, could be so powerful. It has literally changed the way I view and react to things. Here's just what it has done for me.
If I stretch first thing in the morning, it starts my day on a good note. I take long, deep breaths and tune into how my body feels that day. I take several breaths to give each body part a good stretch; this allows me to mentally prepare for the day ahead. I can even calm myself down before things occur by reminding myself of little things, like the fact that my kids are simply just that - kids. So, when the first thing I hear that day is "MOM! Hannah hit me!", I can handle it with a clear mind, and am less likely to resort right to yelling; something that is more apt to happen when I jump out of bed and immediately begin rushing around to pack lunches and get ready for the school and work day. That short time spent stretching first thing truly relaxes my body and mind, and prepares me for the chaos of the day.
On mornings when the kids are my alarm, or I am up before the sun to exercise, this little stretching session isn't likely. On these days, I try to use Hannah's nap time and Lyla's school time to focus on myself. A few days a week, I will add in some extra self care by foam rolling and doing some deep tissue work or pressure points with a lacrosse ball. These days are most rewarding because my sore muscles are a reminder of how hard I trained that week, and the relief I feel is the ultimate sign that I cared for myself.
Stretching has even helped me grasp control of my struggle with food. Had I known that this simple practice could have controlled my disorders back when I was controlled by them, I would have been healthier years ago. As I stated before, when I stretch, it allows me to tune into my body. This includes hunger. I find that when I have a stretching session before a meal, I am more mindful of the foods I make and the portions I eat. Stretching makes me feel good about myself the way a good work out does. Just like I am not likely to come home from a great day at the gym and devour a candy bar, I am less likely to under or over eat after a good stretch. This has been a huge help with the downfall of nighttime snacking, which is probably why late evening is my most productive, intuitive time.
Nighttime stretching is amazing. After the girls are in bed and I treat myself to a glass of wine or a snack, I hit the yoga mat and sort out my day. I notice the full feeling I have. I notice any muscle that need a little more attention. I breathe out the bad moments and stretch deeply into them. Similar to meditation, I relax each body part starting with my toes and swirling up to my head. I fall asleep sooner, sleep deeper, and set myself up for yet another day on the right foot.
Feeling good about myself through stretching has brought on other good habits that add to my self-love and happiness journey, such as books over TV, tea over coffee, deep breaths before reacting, and time well spent with others.
All of this from simply stretching. Who knew?
If I stretch first thing in the morning, it starts my day on a good note. I take long, deep breaths and tune into how my body feels that day. I take several breaths to give each body part a good stretch; this allows me to mentally prepare for the day ahead. I can even calm myself down before things occur by reminding myself of little things, like the fact that my kids are simply just that - kids. So, when the first thing I hear that day is "MOM! Hannah hit me!", I can handle it with a clear mind, and am less likely to resort right to yelling; something that is more apt to happen when I jump out of bed and immediately begin rushing around to pack lunches and get ready for the school and work day. That short time spent stretching first thing truly relaxes my body and mind, and prepares me for the chaos of the day.
On mornings when the kids are my alarm, or I am up before the sun to exercise, this little stretching session isn't likely. On these days, I try to use Hannah's nap time and Lyla's school time to focus on myself. A few days a week, I will add in some extra self care by foam rolling and doing some deep tissue work or pressure points with a lacrosse ball. These days are most rewarding because my sore muscles are a reminder of how hard I trained that week, and the relief I feel is the ultimate sign that I cared for myself.
Stretching has even helped me grasp control of my struggle with food. Had I known that this simple practice could have controlled my disorders back when I was controlled by them, I would have been healthier years ago. As I stated before, when I stretch, it allows me to tune into my body. This includes hunger. I find that when I have a stretching session before a meal, I am more mindful of the foods I make and the portions I eat. Stretching makes me feel good about myself the way a good work out does. Just like I am not likely to come home from a great day at the gym and devour a candy bar, I am less likely to under or over eat after a good stretch. This has been a huge help with the downfall of nighttime snacking, which is probably why late evening is my most productive, intuitive time.
Nighttime stretching is amazing. After the girls are in bed and I treat myself to a glass of wine or a snack, I hit the yoga mat and sort out my day. I notice the full feeling I have. I notice any muscle that need a little more attention. I breathe out the bad moments and stretch deeply into them. Similar to meditation, I relax each body part starting with my toes and swirling up to my head. I fall asleep sooner, sleep deeper, and set myself up for yet another day on the right foot.
Feeling good about myself through stretching has brought on other good habits that add to my self-love and happiness journey, such as books over TV, tea over coffee, deep breaths before reacting, and time well spent with others.
All of this from simply stretching. Who knew?
Refresh Button - A Positive Outlook on New Change
Change has always been tough for me. I remember being overly upset when my childhood best friend's family decided to re-do their basement, where we had spent so many years making memories. To me, putting up new walls, getting new furniture, carpet, and lighting was covering a part of my childhood, and I was emotional about the renovations. And this wasn't even my house! Maybe it's because, until I turned 16 and my parents got divorced, everything in my life was pretty consistent. I lived in the same house my entire life, my parents had fairly normal work schedules, we had dinner together, everything was pretty much always the same routine. And somehow, what sounds like a good example of stability in my life had set me up to be totally unprepared for little changes that would inevitably happen.
This has been something I've struggled with as an adult in a life with unpredictable children and a husband who works all different hours. And if I'm being quite honest, I don't always handle it well - right away, anyway - but it's taught me a lot about myself and my needs, and also how to mentally sort out and handle new things thrown my way. I work well when I have a plan. I like to have an idea of how the day will unfold, what needs to get done, when my husband will be around to help with the girls, etc. And here lies my biggest downfall: planning. It's like the saying "don't expect anything and you'll never be disappointed"; so negative-Nancy, but also quite true. As I continue to practice mindfulness, I am getting better at just letting the day unfold, rather than be tied down to a strict schedule. All is good and dandy until Eric wants to change his shift at work, and my emotions get the better of me before I can logically and reasonably consider the positives of this change.
Tears were shed and negative thoughts filled my mind. At first thought, 2nd shift was terrible. This meant dinner, bath, and bedtime alone most nights. It meant losing afternoon family time and nighttime togetherness. It meant that between exercising and working, I would see him for 2 short hours during the day. It meant him not seeing Lyla on school days because she would be in school when he left and asleep when he returned. And with all of this negativity swirling around my head, it sounded like a terrible idea. Luckily, it was a short lived blip of emotion that I was able to turn around when I looked at the other side of the spectrum: the positives.
2nd shift means my husband will be on a normal sleep schedule, which is huge in and of itself: no more worrying about waking him, no more complaints of little sleep, and I get to sleep in bed with him every night, instead of just 2x week. 2nd shift means morning work outs any day I want; up and at 'em before my family is even awake; no waiting to see if he wakes up in time for me to make it to yoga or join friends for a run - in this way, I gain a little freedom and time, even if it is a 6am. 2nd shift will force us to make concrete family time plans, and we'll want to, since we will all be seeing less of each other during school and work days.
It gives us yet another opportunity to learn and grow - and for this, I am excited. We will have new schedules, new conflicts, a new appreciation for time, and more to learn about ourselves and each other. Change isn't always easy, but I'm hoping to stay focused on the good that is able to come from it all.
It will be a good transition into seeing my husband less, because he just interviewed for an electrician job within the prison. Positives? Monday - Friday, 1st shift, holidays and weekends off. Negatives? Over an hour commute each way, even less day-to-day time together, and another set of hurdles to overcome.
This has been something I've struggled with as an adult in a life with unpredictable children and a husband who works all different hours. And if I'm being quite honest, I don't always handle it well - right away, anyway - but it's taught me a lot about myself and my needs, and also how to mentally sort out and handle new things thrown my way. I work well when I have a plan. I like to have an idea of how the day will unfold, what needs to get done, when my husband will be around to help with the girls, etc. And here lies my biggest downfall: planning. It's like the saying "don't expect anything and you'll never be disappointed"; so negative-Nancy, but also quite true. As I continue to practice mindfulness, I am getting better at just letting the day unfold, rather than be tied down to a strict schedule. All is good and dandy until Eric wants to change his shift at work, and my emotions get the better of me before I can logically and reasonably consider the positives of this change.
Tears were shed and negative thoughts filled my mind. At first thought, 2nd shift was terrible. This meant dinner, bath, and bedtime alone most nights. It meant losing afternoon family time and nighttime togetherness. It meant that between exercising and working, I would see him for 2 short hours during the day. It meant him not seeing Lyla on school days because she would be in school when he left and asleep when he returned. And with all of this negativity swirling around my head, it sounded like a terrible idea. Luckily, it was a short lived blip of emotion that I was able to turn around when I looked at the other side of the spectrum: the positives.
2nd shift means my husband will be on a normal sleep schedule, which is huge in and of itself: no more worrying about waking him, no more complaints of little sleep, and I get to sleep in bed with him every night, instead of just 2x week. 2nd shift means morning work outs any day I want; up and at 'em before my family is even awake; no waiting to see if he wakes up in time for me to make it to yoga or join friends for a run - in this way, I gain a little freedom and time, even if it is a 6am. 2nd shift will force us to make concrete family time plans, and we'll want to, since we will all be seeing less of each other during school and work days.
It gives us yet another opportunity to learn and grow - and for this, I am excited. We will have new schedules, new conflicts, a new appreciation for time, and more to learn about ourselves and each other. Change isn't always easy, but I'm hoping to stay focused on the good that is able to come from it all.
It will be a good transition into seeing my husband less, because he just interviewed for an electrician job within the prison. Positives? Monday - Friday, 1st shift, holidays and weekends off. Negatives? Over an hour commute each way, even less day-to-day time together, and another set of hurdles to overcome.
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