Change has always been tough for me. I remember being overly upset when my childhood best friend's family decided to re-do their basement, where we had spent so many years making memories. To me, putting up new walls, getting new furniture, carpet, and lighting was covering a part of my childhood, and I was emotional about the renovations. And this wasn't even my house! Maybe it's because, until I turned 16 and my parents got divorced, everything in my life was pretty consistent. I lived in the same house my entire life, my parents had fairly normal work schedules, we had dinner together, everything was pretty much always the same routine. And somehow, what sounds like a good example of stability in my life had set me up to be totally unprepared for little changes that would inevitably happen.
This has been something I've struggled with as an adult in a life with unpredictable children and a husband who works all different hours. And if I'm being quite honest, I don't always handle it well - right away, anyway - but it's taught me a lot about myself and my needs, and also how to mentally sort out and handle new things thrown my way. I work well when I have a plan. I like to have an idea of how the day will unfold, what needs to get done, when my husband will be around to help with the girls, etc. And here lies my biggest downfall: planning. It's like the saying "don't expect anything and you'll never be disappointed"; so negative-Nancy, but also quite true. As I continue to practice mindfulness, I am getting better at just letting the day unfold, rather than be tied down to a strict schedule. All is good and dandy until Eric wants to change his shift at work, and my emotions get the better of me before I can logically and reasonably consider the positives of this change.
Tears were shed and negative thoughts filled my mind. At first thought, 2nd shift was terrible. This meant dinner, bath, and bedtime alone most nights. It meant losing afternoon family time and nighttime togetherness. It meant that between exercising and working, I would see him for 2 short hours during the day. It meant him not seeing Lyla on school days because she would be in school when he left and asleep when he returned. And with all of this negativity swirling around my head, it sounded like a terrible idea. Luckily, it was a short lived blip of emotion that I was able to turn around when I looked at the other side of the spectrum: the positives.
2nd shift means my husband will be on a normal sleep schedule, which is huge in and of itself: no more worrying about waking him, no more complaints of little sleep, and I get to sleep in bed with him every night, instead of just 2x week. 2nd shift means morning work outs any day I want; up and at 'em before my family is even awake; no waiting to see if he wakes up in time for me to make it to yoga or join friends for a run - in this way, I gain a little freedom and time, even if it is a 6am. 2nd shift will force us to make concrete family time plans, and we'll want to, since we will all be seeing less of each other during school and work days.
It gives us yet another opportunity to learn and grow - and for this, I am excited. We will have new schedules, new conflicts, a new appreciation for time, and more to learn about ourselves and each other. Change isn't always easy, but I'm hoping to stay focused on the good that is able to come from it all.
It will be a good transition into seeing my husband less, because he just interviewed for an electrician job within the prison. Positives? Monday - Friday, 1st shift, holidays and weekends off. Negatives? Over an hour commute each way, even less day-to-day time together, and another set of hurdles to overcome.
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