For the first time, I am able to look back to negative experiences in my past and feel little emotional change. Things that used to make my stomach drop, heart race, guilt rise - I can finally face them with an inner calm that I never thought would be possible. I used to think that in order to "fix" my past, I had to confront each person involved, when really, all I had to do was forgive myself and allow myself to be free of whatever the event may have been.
So, I did as my studies have told me. I allowed these uncomfortable memories to surface. I kept my shoulders relaxed and heart open. I allowed it to hurt. I visualized them passing right through my heart, and eventually out of my body. Knowing that the emotional shifts I was experiencing were nothing more than changes in my energies kept me feeling in control; "this too shall pass". I relived moments that imprisoned me on such a deep level, and knew that those feelings would go away if I simply allowed them to. I was skeptical, but willing to try anything that would lead to a better self, clearer mind, and inner peace. It wasn't until these memories resurfaced after these releasing "sessions" that I truly felt a change.
Take for example my past with Lyla's biological father. It's something I always held deep in my heart with great guilt, disgust, and embarrassment. Even just the mention of his name caused my heart to feel pinched and a disgraced look to appear on my face. As much and I love my Lyla and wouldn't change a thing about her being in my life, I always regretted the situation. This was some heavy emotional baggage to carry, and I felt its weight daily. Once I was able to allow all of that resurface with the mindset of forgiving and letting go, I was actually able to. How could I tell? How would I know if all this "meditation hippie shit" actually worked? I could literally tell from the inside; from the difference in my energies and emotions when his name is brought up. From not feeling queasy at the mention of his hometown. From truly feeling relaxed and at ease with the whole situation. This, I feel, is my first real experience in being free. Something that has weighed me down and kept negativity inside for over 6 years is now no longer a burden. I can think of him and smile, because regardless of how it happened, he gave my daughter life. I don't need to be angry or resentful - why choose misery when you can choose happiness? It's empowering.
I feel a similar freedom to other things from my past that I've worked through, whether it's forgiving others or forgiving myself. I am creating a better person every time I practice my "hippie shit" - and I'll take it. It's amazing when you see hard work pay off, and that's exactly how I feel. This shits working.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Monday, February 2, 2015
My Methods of Self Care
For me, taking care of myself means more than the standard eating well and exercising. Although those 2 things factor majorly into my life, I have experimented with other ways of well-being to see what differences I may feel. Here are things I do daily to help me be at my best.
Oil pulling. This is a fairly new addition to my daily routine, but even after a short time, I am feeling the benefits. Oil pulling is when you swish oil around in your mouth for 20 minutes in the morning before brushing, drinking or eating. I use coconut oil, but you can also use olive oil. Many benefits are associated with this, but the ones that stuck with me are these:
-pulls toxins out of your body (which is why its important to spit it out after the 20 minutes!)
-whitens teeth
-clears skin
Dry brushing. Also known as skin brushing, is when you take a natural brush (one that looks like a loofa for the shower with a wooden handle) and literally brush your skin with strokes leading toward the heart. Some of the benefits of dry brushing include:
-increased circulation
-exfoliation
-cellulite reduction
I do this daily before I shower. I feel amazing, both because my skin is like silk, but also because I know I'm taking an extra 5-10 minutes each day to take care of myself.
Lotion. This is so simple, but everyday after I shower I lather my skin with moisturizer.
Face wash. This one has less to do with the actual act of washing my face and more about what I use and how I do it; for months I've been washing my face with coconut oil mixed with tea tree oil. You wet your face, rub the oil in just like any other face wash, but instead of rinsing it off you wipe it with a hot towel. Before wiping it away, you rest the towel over your face for a few breaths. The aroma of the oils and the warmth of the cloth is so instantly soothing. Any extra oil gets absorbed by my skin and it is left feeling smooth and moisturized.
Yoga. For the last 2 weeks I have made it a habit to do anywhere from 10-30 minutes of gentle yoga before bed. Not only does this allow me to unwind from my day, but the increase in my flexibility is reassuring me that I'm doing my body good. Especially when I may not remember to stretch after a run or gym session, I know I'm still getting it in. I've been falling asleep faster, what seems to be sleeping deeper, and just feel better inside and out.
Afternoon tea. Especially with the cold winter upon us, I have really learned to look forward to and enjoy a hot cup of tea. I usually have mine after lunch which helps my body realize that I'm full, and I've noticed improvements in my digestion since this "tea time" relaxes my body and allows my body to digest my meal at its best.
Reading. I consider this a method of self care because it's something I truly enjoy. It's quiet, uninterrupted time just for me. It distracts me from housework, boredom snacking, or whatever else. The more I read the less I want to check my phone or turn on the TV, which in my opinion is just a-OK.
I work each and every one of these things into my daily routine. Each may only take a few minutes at a time, and the knowledge I gain from doing something good for my mind and body keeps me on a positive track for the rest of the day. I simply feel good :)
Oil pulling. This is a fairly new addition to my daily routine, but even after a short time, I am feeling the benefits. Oil pulling is when you swish oil around in your mouth for 20 minutes in the morning before brushing, drinking or eating. I use coconut oil, but you can also use olive oil. Many benefits are associated with this, but the ones that stuck with me are these:
-pulls toxins out of your body (which is why its important to spit it out after the 20 minutes!)
-whitens teeth
-clears skin
Dry brushing. Also known as skin brushing, is when you take a natural brush (one that looks like a loofa for the shower with a wooden handle) and literally brush your skin with strokes leading toward the heart. Some of the benefits of dry brushing include:
-increased circulation
-exfoliation
-cellulite reduction
I do this daily before I shower. I feel amazing, both because my skin is like silk, but also because I know I'm taking an extra 5-10 minutes each day to take care of myself.
Lotion. This is so simple, but everyday after I shower I lather my skin with moisturizer.
Face wash. This one has less to do with the actual act of washing my face and more about what I use and how I do it; for months I've been washing my face with coconut oil mixed with tea tree oil. You wet your face, rub the oil in just like any other face wash, but instead of rinsing it off you wipe it with a hot towel. Before wiping it away, you rest the towel over your face for a few breaths. The aroma of the oils and the warmth of the cloth is so instantly soothing. Any extra oil gets absorbed by my skin and it is left feeling smooth and moisturized.
Yoga. For the last 2 weeks I have made it a habit to do anywhere from 10-30 minutes of gentle yoga before bed. Not only does this allow me to unwind from my day, but the increase in my flexibility is reassuring me that I'm doing my body good. Especially when I may not remember to stretch after a run or gym session, I know I'm still getting it in. I've been falling asleep faster, what seems to be sleeping deeper, and just feel better inside and out.
Afternoon tea. Especially with the cold winter upon us, I have really learned to look forward to and enjoy a hot cup of tea. I usually have mine after lunch which helps my body realize that I'm full, and I've noticed improvements in my digestion since this "tea time" relaxes my body and allows my body to digest my meal at its best.
Reading. I consider this a method of self care because it's something I truly enjoy. It's quiet, uninterrupted time just for me. It distracts me from housework, boredom snacking, or whatever else. The more I read the less I want to check my phone or turn on the TV, which in my opinion is just a-OK.
I work each and every one of these things into my daily routine. Each may only take a few minutes at a time, and the knowledge I gain from doing something good for my mind and body keeps me on a positive track for the rest of the day. I simply feel good :)
Seeing Results
Learning to let go can be tough. Most people relate this to a person or relationship, but in my case, my letting go had to do with my parenting.
I'll admit it, for most of my 5+ years of being a mother, I was a total helicopter parent. I would hover over my kids, make sure our time was spent reading, crafting, outdoors, and doing something educational. I was right there on the playground with them, on the floor coloring next to them, and would even feel guilty if I were to squeeze in some dishes or laundry while they played nicely alone. I put lots of pressure on myself as a mother, and left very little time for myself and my needs; this was hard to regret since I know how fast their childhood will pass by. I felt myself get overwhelmed easily because of the daily schedule I abided to, and really envied my working husband. I counted the minutes until he arrived home every day - both so I could have another adult to chat with and also so I could pee without company for the first time that day. I enjoyed my time with the girls, but also relied heavily on the clock for moments of relief, like meal and bed times, to break up the day. I knew I was being a good mother, but I didn't feel balanced. This helicopter had to be shut down.
And so, I had to let go of what I thought made me a good mother. I needed to tell myself it was okay if I didn't want to visit 3 playgrounds that day, or read to Lyla for the entire length of Hannah's nap. I also had to tell myself it was okay to take moments in the day that were just for me, even if it was as simple as a quick hot shower after a run (because, yes, I even viewed a shower as "time away" from the girls and usually opted to be nice and dirty until nap or bedtime when it wasn't "selfish" to shower).
One of the most empowering things I've learned to do is to say "no" without fear of hurting others. If I wasn't up for a road trip or a play date, I simply said "not today", whereas before I would say yes to everything and wind up running around to please everyone. I spent more time rushing my kids from here to there than I did spending quality time for them. Relaxed time at home allows me to have these little moments with the girls that I otherwise would have missed; like noticing how big their hands have got but yet how small they still are, or my favorite "cheek time" when I press my cheek up against theirs. There is no better feeling than this: their warm delicate skin pressed against mine. I love being able to pause and just watch them too; their different expressions, how they interact, what they show passion in...I learn so much about them by simply standing back and watching. This has reassured me that my kids are just fine when I'm not sitting right beside them or suggesting the next educational activity to keep them busy. They keep themselves busy and their imaginations are beautiful.
During these times when they are able to play nicely together, I've also learned to let go of what "needs" to be done, and take advantage of these moments for myself. I'll do yoga, write, read, or enjoy a cup of tea. 6 months ago, I could have never allowed myself to relax like this. I would feel anxious about the house work that awaited, or feel wrong about reading myself a book when that time could be spent reading to the girls. It took some mental work, but after doing it a few times, I became comfortable, and also realized that my girls have the ability to go long stretches without an argument or a "MOMMMM" wale. Who knew? Helicopter mom certainly didn't because she'd never allow that much "un-attended" time to go by.
It feels amazing to finally start seeing results on my journey to true happiness after months of reading, writing, and practicing. I truly do feel an inner calm, and most important of all, I feel balanced. I feel like I give my kids, myself, and my husband the time and care that is needed. I feel more relaxed on a daily basis knowing I never "have" to do anything, and am able to let the day unfold on its own; no clock-watching, no need for breaks, I am really just living. My ability to stop and enjoy whatever comes my way is empowering - it's the ultimate control. After all, it's not what happens to you, but how you choose to handle it. I am able to see the good over the bad, the positives over the negatives, and most important, my kids needs as well as my own.
I'll admit it, for most of my 5+ years of being a mother, I was a total helicopter parent. I would hover over my kids, make sure our time was spent reading, crafting, outdoors, and doing something educational. I was right there on the playground with them, on the floor coloring next to them, and would even feel guilty if I were to squeeze in some dishes or laundry while they played nicely alone. I put lots of pressure on myself as a mother, and left very little time for myself and my needs; this was hard to regret since I know how fast their childhood will pass by. I felt myself get overwhelmed easily because of the daily schedule I abided to, and really envied my working husband. I counted the minutes until he arrived home every day - both so I could have another adult to chat with and also so I could pee without company for the first time that day. I enjoyed my time with the girls, but also relied heavily on the clock for moments of relief, like meal and bed times, to break up the day. I knew I was being a good mother, but I didn't feel balanced. This helicopter had to be shut down.
And so, I had to let go of what I thought made me a good mother. I needed to tell myself it was okay if I didn't want to visit 3 playgrounds that day, or read to Lyla for the entire length of Hannah's nap. I also had to tell myself it was okay to take moments in the day that were just for me, even if it was as simple as a quick hot shower after a run (because, yes, I even viewed a shower as "time away" from the girls and usually opted to be nice and dirty until nap or bedtime when it wasn't "selfish" to shower).
One of the most empowering things I've learned to do is to say "no" without fear of hurting others. If I wasn't up for a road trip or a play date, I simply said "not today", whereas before I would say yes to everything and wind up running around to please everyone. I spent more time rushing my kids from here to there than I did spending quality time for them. Relaxed time at home allows me to have these little moments with the girls that I otherwise would have missed; like noticing how big their hands have got but yet how small they still are, or my favorite "cheek time" when I press my cheek up against theirs. There is no better feeling than this: their warm delicate skin pressed against mine. I love being able to pause and just watch them too; their different expressions, how they interact, what they show passion in...I learn so much about them by simply standing back and watching. This has reassured me that my kids are just fine when I'm not sitting right beside them or suggesting the next educational activity to keep them busy. They keep themselves busy and their imaginations are beautiful.
During these times when they are able to play nicely together, I've also learned to let go of what "needs" to be done, and take advantage of these moments for myself. I'll do yoga, write, read, or enjoy a cup of tea. 6 months ago, I could have never allowed myself to relax like this. I would feel anxious about the house work that awaited, or feel wrong about reading myself a book when that time could be spent reading to the girls. It took some mental work, but after doing it a few times, I became comfortable, and also realized that my girls have the ability to go long stretches without an argument or a "MOMMMM" wale. Who knew? Helicopter mom certainly didn't because she'd never allow that much "un-attended" time to go by.
It feels amazing to finally start seeing results on my journey to true happiness after months of reading, writing, and practicing. I truly do feel an inner calm, and most important of all, I feel balanced. I feel like I give my kids, myself, and my husband the time and care that is needed. I feel more relaxed on a daily basis knowing I never "have" to do anything, and am able to let the day unfold on its own; no clock-watching, no need for breaks, I am really just living. My ability to stop and enjoy whatever comes my way is empowering - it's the ultimate control. After all, it's not what happens to you, but how you choose to handle it. I am able to see the good over the bad, the positives over the negatives, and most important, my kids needs as well as my own.
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