Seeing Results

Learning to let go can be tough. Most people relate this to a person or relationship, but in my case, my letting go had to do with my parenting.

I'll admit it, for most of my 5+ years of being a mother, I was a total helicopter parent. I would hover over my kids, make sure our time was spent reading, crafting, outdoors, and doing something educational. I was right there on the playground with them, on the floor coloring next to them, and would even feel guilty if I were to squeeze in some dishes or laundry while they played nicely alone. I put lots of pressure on myself as a mother, and left very little time for myself and my needs; this was hard to regret since I know how fast their childhood will pass by. I felt myself get overwhelmed easily because of the daily schedule I abided to, and really envied my working husband. I counted the minutes until he arrived home every day - both so I could have another adult to chat with and also so I could pee without company for the first time that day. I enjoyed my time with the girls, but also relied heavily on the clock for moments of relief, like meal and bed times, to break up the day. I knew I was being a good mother, but I didn't feel balanced. This helicopter had to be shut down.

And so, I had to let go of what I thought made me a good mother. I needed to tell myself it was okay if I didn't want to visit 3 playgrounds that day, or read to Lyla for the entire length of Hannah's nap. I also had to tell myself it was okay to take moments in the day that were just for me, even if it was as simple as a quick hot shower after a run (because, yes, I even viewed a shower as "time away" from the girls and usually opted to be nice and dirty until nap or bedtime when it wasn't "selfish" to shower).

One of the most empowering things I've learned to do is to say "no" without fear of hurting others. If I wasn't up for a road trip or a play date, I simply said "not today", whereas before I would say yes to everything and wind up running around to please everyone. I spent more time rushing my kids from here to there than I did spending quality time for them. Relaxed time at home allows me to have these little moments with the girls that I otherwise would have missed; like noticing how big their hands have got but yet how small they still are, or my favorite "cheek time" when I press my cheek up against theirs. There is no better feeling than this: their warm delicate skin pressed against mine. I love being able to pause and just watch them too; their different expressions, how they interact, what they show passion in...I learn so much about them by simply standing back and watching. This has reassured me that my kids are just fine when I'm not sitting right beside them or suggesting the next educational activity to keep them busy. They keep themselves busy and their imaginations are beautiful.

During these times when they are able to play nicely together, I've also learned to let go of what "needs" to be done, and take advantage of these moments for myself. I'll do yoga, write, read, or enjoy a cup of tea. 6 months ago, I could have never allowed myself to relax like this. I would feel anxious about the house work that awaited, or feel wrong about reading myself a book when that time could be spent reading to the girls. It took some mental work, but after doing it a few times, I became comfortable, and also realized that my girls have the ability to go long stretches without an argument or a "MOMMMM" wale. Who knew? Helicopter mom certainly didn't because she'd never allow that much "un-attended" time to go by.

It feels amazing to finally start seeing results on my journey to true happiness after months of reading, writing, and practicing. I truly do feel an inner calm, and most important of all, I feel balanced. I feel like I give my kids, myself, and my husband the time and care that is needed. I feel more relaxed on a daily basis knowing I never "have" to do anything, and am able to let the day unfold on its own; no clock-watching, no need for breaks, I am really just living. My ability to stop and enjoy whatever comes my way is empowering - it's the ultimate control. After all, it's not what happens to you, but how you choose to handle it. I am able to see the good over the bad, the positives over the negatives, and most important, my kids needs as well as my own.