It's Working

For the first time, I am able to look back to negative experiences in my past and feel little emotional change. Things that used to make my stomach drop, heart race, guilt rise - I can finally face them with an inner calm that I never thought would be possible. I used to think that in order to "fix" my past, I had to confront each person involved, when really, all I had to do was forgive myself and allow myself to be free of whatever the event may have been.

So, I did as my studies have told me. I allowed these uncomfortable memories to surface. I kept my shoulders relaxed and heart open. I allowed it to hurt. I visualized them passing right through my heart, and eventually out of my body. Knowing that the emotional shifts I was experiencing were nothing more than changes in my energies kept me feeling in control; "this too shall pass". I relived moments that imprisoned me on such a deep level, and knew that those feelings would go away if I simply allowed them to. I was skeptical, but willing to try anything that would lead to a better self, clearer mind, and inner peace. It wasn't until these memories resurfaced after these releasing "sessions" that I truly felt a change.

Take for example my past with Lyla's biological father. It's something I always held deep in my heart with great guilt, disgust, and embarrassment. Even just the mention of his name caused my heart to feel pinched and a disgraced look to appear on my face. As much and I love my Lyla and wouldn't change a thing about her being in my life, I always regretted the situation. This was some heavy emotional baggage to carry, and I felt its weight daily. Once I was able to allow all of that resurface with the mindset of forgiving and letting go, I was actually able to. How could I tell? How would I know if all this "meditation hippie shit" actually worked? I could literally tell from the inside; from the difference in my energies and emotions when his name is brought up. From not feeling queasy at the mention of his hometown. From truly feeling relaxed and at ease with the whole situation. This, I feel, is my first real experience in being free. Something that has weighed me down and kept negativity inside for over 6 years is now no longer a burden. I can think of him and smile, because regardless of how it happened, he gave my daughter life. I don't need to be angry or resentful - why choose misery when you can choose happiness? It's empowering.

I feel a similar freedom to other things from my past that I've worked through, whether it's forgiving others or forgiving myself. I am creating a better person every time I practice my "hippie shit" - and I'll take it. It's amazing when you see hard work pay off, and that's exactly how I feel. This shits working.